Psychotherapy: The Mind/Spirit Connection
Frontiers, Vol. 27, No 2, Copyright June 3, 2008

By Tony Zimbardi, PsyD

The most beautiful emotion we can experience is the mysterious.  It is the fundamental emotion that stands at the cradle of all true art and science.  He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead.  Behind all discernible laws and connections, there remains something subtle, intangible and inexplicable. 

-Albert Einstein, “What I believe” 1930

The above quote is Einstein’s answer to whether or not he was a “religious” man.  He speaks of the mystery of faith and belief.  I ask, what relationship between two people can be more mysterious, therefore spiritual, than that between therapist and patient?  The relationship we have with our therapist is often one of the most intimate (non sexual) that we’ll ever have, certainly with someone for whom we know almost nothing about.  And this relationship, as Einstein’s description entails, sits at this cradle between art and science.  Psychotherapy is often referred to as either one of the “Behavioral Sciences” or the “Healing Arts.”  I’ll let you be the judge on that.  But what I would like to do here is to explore, the spiritual nature of the psychotherapeutic process.

If you asked them, most people would probably not consider psychotherapy to be a very spiritual experience, either in content, nor relationally.  In fact, I occasionally have a patient who leaves therapy citing the reason, “Oh, this has been a good experience, but I think the answers to my problems lie not in therapy, but in exploring my spiritual side.”  I smile, knowing that what they are actually running away from in leaving the therapeutic relationship is often just that, exploring their spiritual side. 

Freud wished for therapy to be accepted and respected as a science.  However, Freud himself once wrote in a letter to a friend, “the secret of therapy is to cure through love.”  Clearly, even men with intellect such as Freud and Einstein understood the power possible via exploring that intersection of the mysterious and the loving/healing nature of out relationship with ourselves, and often with our personal definitions of a higher power. Here I’d like to explore the spiritual underpinnings of the three most widely accepted forms of psychotherapy: Psychoanalysis, Humanistic and Cognitive Behavior Therapies.

Psychoanalytic, psychodynamic and object relations therapies are all based upon providing a structure for insight, for the patient to come to know himself.  What could be more spiritual than self-exploration?  As well as the therapeutic “neutral” stance of the analyst, creating a psychologically “safe (neutral) space” often referred to as a “container” for the client to explore his thoughts and feelings without judgment.  This idea of a “container” also resonates with me akin to the safe space created via a Church, Synagogue or Ashram. 

Like Freud, M. Scott Peck, MD (The Road Less Traveled, 1978) also believed in both the importance of the therapist’s role in “loving” the patient and in the spiritual nature of the therapeutic relationship; Peck calls love, “the driving force behind spiritual growth.” The final section of his book explores his concept of “Grace.” Peck defines grace as “the powerful force originating outside human consciousness that nurtures spiritual growth in human beings.” 

Humanistic/Transpersonal psychology studies the transpersonal (transcendent) or spiritual aspects of the human experience.  Similarly to Freud, Humanistic therapists hold the stance of “unconditional positive regard” for that of their patient, choosing to see them in their highest light.  As described by Lajoie and Shapiro, (1991-02), humanistic psychotherapy is “the study of humanities highest potential, with the recognition, understanding and realization of unitive, spiritual and transcendent stages of consciousness.” Issues explored in this school of therapy include spiritual self-development, peak, mystical and metaphysical experiences of life.   In the counseling room, we mighteven call those “ah ha” moments that occur during session to be “transcendent” experiences. 

 

Finally, I equate Cognitive Behavioral  Therapy in line with thinking of Buddhist and Religious Science philosophies.  Cognitive Behavioral therapies look at how your thoughts manifest your feelings, which in turn, dictate the actions you put out into the world.  In 60’s lingo, we create our own reality.  The Buddhists would call this concept of what we put out, which returns to us as “Karma,” sort of the what goes around, comes around approach.  Religious Scientists (Science of Mind) teach the importance of creating your own reality though your thought process.  Taking that one step further, they believe that what we put out into the world (our actions) return to us multiplied, abundantly. 

Cognitive therapy focuses mainly on your thoughts, feelings and behaviors.  The Buddists call this concept, “mindfulness.” In other words, Mindfulness can be described as being aware of your present moment, without judgment, reflecting or thinking.  This concept has recently gained momentum with the 2004 hit best-seller “Power of Now,” by Eckheart Tolle.Tolle’s most recent book “A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose” (2007) requests we all ponder “We must ask life what purpose it has for us?”

I’ll conclude by sharing that one day on the way to work, a talk radio station had Deepak Chopra as it’s guest.  Someone called in and said, “Dr Chopra, I just so want to be a spiritual person, but I have no idea how.  How do I become more spiritual?”  He answered very simply, “By becoming more human.” Chopra teaches that we are spiritual beings having a human experience.  We’ve seen this concept modeled through actions and behaviors of figures like Buddha, Christ, Gandhi and Mother Theresa. 

 

Whether you explore your spiritual side in therapy is up to you.  But know that in the very process itself, whether you see a psychodynamic, humanistic or cognitive behavioral therapist, you are engaging in a very spiritual relationship already.  And based upon what you’ve read thus far, what could be more spiritual than self awareness and behavior change?  Whether or not you believe in Karma, know that how you choose to show up in this mysterious world of ours, is about the most spiritual thing you can explore.    

Tony Zimbardi PsyD is a psychotherapist in private practice in West Hollywood.  More of his writing can be found at www.drtonyzimbardi.com

The Couple that Prays Together: Some Tips For Reclaiming God From The Religious Right And Exploring Spirituality As A Gay Couple

Frontiers, February 28, 2006 Vol.24, No. 21

By Tony Zimbardi, PsyD

As a mental health clinician, I see how wounded so many gay men and lesbians are by their early experiences with organized religion, leaving many, as adults, with no spiritual life to speak of.  I’ve also seen in recent years how we’ve done ourselves a disservice by abdicating any claims to words like “tradition” or “values,” as if those terms could never apply to gay couture.  So, it’s pretty ironic that the most radical things on the “homosexual agenda” today are also the most traditional: gay marriage and gay parenting.  And those early wounds have caused many couples interested in sharing a spiritual life, feeling at a loss on how to find one.  So, below are five tips on becoming a more spiritual gay couple.

Tip 1: Become more human.  Deepak Chopra said that the way we become more spiritual is to become more human.  So, get in touch with your humanity.  For instance, while in your car, support one another on reducing your road-rage reactions, or give that dollar’s worth of change to the homeless person with the cardboard sign at the bottom of the freeway exit ramp.  It can also mean something as simple as forgiving each other, or more importantly yourself, for any conflicts you may have created, so you each can continue to move forward in your relationship.

Tip 2: Church shop.  Many gay people have a negative reaction to organized religion because we grew up in one that basically told us we were going to hell.  Well, religion has changed a lot in the last twenty years.  What I mean by church shopping is to set aside Sunday mornings to go to a new house of worship week after week, until you find the one that feels right for the two of you. Have you looked in the religion section of the Community Yellow Pages, or in the display ads in this very magazine?  There are now gay-specific non-denominational churches and synagogues everywhere in Los Angeles.

Tip 3: Explore your inner journey together: Finding your way inward as a couple may be a little more challenging since inner work is usually about the individual.  However, certain solitary activities can still be shared.  For instance, Yoga is done in a group situation, but is a solitary activity designed to get you in touch with your higher self.  The two of you could take a Yoga class together or buy a DVD to practice together at home.  Taking a silent nature walk together could provide the same benefit.  Or, the two of you could keep a gratitude journal together.  Once a week, you could open it and come up with ten things that as a couple, you’re grateful for in your life together.

Tip 4: Pay it forward.  Giving back is the best way to feel good about yourself, volunteering as a couple is one way.  Go to www.volunteermatch.org for resources.  Charitable giving is another, something as simple as cleaning out that closet full of designer clothes every six months and making a run to Out of the Closet or Goodwill.  Or, host a dinner party-fundraiser at home.  Prepare a fabulous meal and ask your friends to bring a check made payable to your favorite non-profit. 

Tip 5: The family that prays together, stays together.  As corny as this may sound to some of you, my partner and I join hands before every meal and express a few words of thanks to whichever one of us made the meal, and also express a few words of gratitude for what we share as a couple.   My partner and I had been consistently following a similar spiritual path when we met, attending the same non-denominational, gay-friendly church on opposite sides of town.  So, when we decided to move in together, we found a gay practitioner at our church and went for six “pre-marital” counseling sessions.  They were invaluable.  We then had a “house-blessing,” inviting friends, lead by the same church practitioner.  After, our friends commented that they had never been involved in any kind of spiritual celebration that involved gay men deciding to live together.  They all commented that it felt like our new house together, instantly became a home.

So, there are some ideas on how to bring a little spirituality into your lives as a couple.  Take what works for you, throw away what doesn’t, because as the years pass and you reflect on your lifetime together of happy and sad memories, it helps to have something bigger than yourself to believe in.  Sharing a spiritual life as a couple will definitely pave the way to one day looking back upon your lives with a sense of pride and accomplishment.  Now that’s something to be grateful for.

 

Searching For Meaning in Our Lives

Why is it that most people seek Psychotherapy? Many individuals site reasons such as, "I just generally feel unhappy", " I just wish I were happier," or similarly, "I just want to improve the quality of my life." Freud believed individuals sought therapy to resolve unconscious conflicts. Klein felt that all babies were born either "schizoid or depressed" and that maturity was the developmental resolution of one of these states. The German philosopher Shoepenhaur believed all individuals lived in a constant state of either stress or boredom. He felt that when one was confronted with the other, man generally sought whichever state he was not currently experiencing. Although all of these people seem to take a rather dark view of the human psyche, what each understood was the concept that as we mature we search for ways to find meaning in our lives, to overcome the past, and to lay the groundwork for a brighter future. Many would agree that man's search for personal happiness often involves resolving some of these psychic states or inner conflicts in order to move on in life. Whatever the motivation, the outcome is generally the same, a desire for a more balanced sense of being, to experience the feeling of "happiness," basically, finding meaning in our lives.

In his book "Man's Search for Meaning," author Viktor Frankl states that man can find meaning in three distinct ways. The first is to find meaning in one's work. Many of us are successful at this. Frankl suggests that the second way to find meaning in life is through love, the final way is in experiencing triumph over adversity, making order out of chaos. The former items are less readily definable, and at the very least, present more of a challenge to us as human beings.

Most people who seek counseling are generally unsatisfied in either their work or their love lives, so this is where many can identify their "general" feelings of unhappiness. In working with individuals on career goals, one overriding theme seems to prevail. It seems that those who followed their passion into the professional arena, generally found some degree of career satisfaction, even happiness. For those who come to therapy seeking to find their passion, career goals are often times a safe place to start. How does one search for a missing passion? Well, the good news is that it’s a lot easier than dating. A myth exists that in order to find our own Prince Charming or Cinderella, one needs to kiss a lot of frogs. When it comes to love, this is a rather misguided notion and generally produces a fruitless search. However, when it comes to finding one's passion, one of the keys is trying out a lot of new activities.

What is the difference between trying a lot of different activities and dating a lot of different men in setting goals for a career versus relationship? Well the first thing is that our activities don't reject us. We reject them, and we don't feel guilty about it. If we try gardening one weekend, then a drawing class the next, or country western dancing, then a little volunteer work, what do we generally find? Usually we find we like some activities better than others. If we don't care for gardening, we don't have to think up an excuse not to do it again. We don't need to give gardening a reason why we're not free next Friday evening. Our rose bushes don't call and ask for a second date. Another reason that seeking a career goal or passion is an easier road to follow is that we are able to project our unconditional love onto our passions or hobbies. For instance, if we love ceramics, we find ourselves thinking about it throughout the week, looking forward to digging our fingers into that mushy clay again, it just feels so good. If we don't like our creations we scrap them, they go back into the slushy bin of other discarded creations and we can start a new pot or vase. Our passions are there for us when our boyfriends are not.

Once we identify a passion for potential career goals, the next step is similar to forming a relationship, and that involves committing ourselves to the object of our passion. Let's take volunteer work as an example. You have found that you find yourself looking forward to getting to the crisis hotline, finding yourself thinking about it during the week: the challenges, fears, and the adrenaline rush you get while manning the phones. This is where a passion or hobby can begin the process of turning into a career. Many psychotherapists for instance, originally noticed the changes they were able to make in their personal counseling. They then began to do volunteer work as peer counselors, took a class in psychology, and before they knew it, were sitting for their state licensing exams.

Love, on the other hand is a little more complicated. Many of us think that because we date a lot, we will eventually get it right. This is not always the case. Unlike our glob of clay that gets thrown back into the bin without regret, our dating partners can be another story. Freud wrote about the "repetition compulsion," basically it means that we repeat the same behaviors over and over in a futile attempt to get them right. He specifically related this to our early childhood relationships with our caregivers. Basically, the concept is that if we were emotionally abused as children, we are attracted to men who are emotionally abusive. Why? Because Daddy or Mommy may not have loved us the way that we needed and we're hoping to find someone with similar qualities who can. Therefore we are going to make our childhood relationships right as adults with partners who frequently have similar qualities as our parents did. As humans, we have an inherent desire to overcome wrongs. The problem is, unlike the imperfect ashtray that we can toss back without regret to keep creating new ones over and over until we get one right, our relationships are another story. Our partners talk back, and our partners are not always interested in being cast in the roles of our parents in our personal attempts to "make things right." So what is the key to overcoming these patterns to become successful at love? The first step is awareness: stop, become aware of your actions, observe what you’re doing in your relationships, think about your behavior. Are you behaving rationally? If not, then change. Change is conscious and active. It is only through painstakingly taking these steps can we become successful at love.

The final step to finding meaning in one's life is in becoming triumphant over adverse situations. The easiest analogy in our time is lies in the individual choices of those affected by the AIDS pandemic. We see that individuals often react in one of two ways to unspeakable tragedy: they give up hope, or they act to improve the quality of their lives in ways they had never imagined. There's a mid-western saying that goes something to the effect of: "when life hands you lemons, you make lemonade." This is not to offend those living with HIV/AIDS or make light of their situations. It is used however in a way to illuminate their plight. The men and women who have found the greatest meaning in their disease are those who have begun to share their experiences with others: the members of the speaker's bureau's of Being Alive, APLA, and all the other service agencies which offer peer support and artistic outlets to those living with this disease. People may not like individuals like activist/author Larry Kramer, but his anger over HIV, his own and those of his gay brothers and sisters caused him to start ACT UP. ACT UP is in part, responsible for getting the food and drug administration to bypass the long process of taking years to approve medications and beginning their "accelerated approval" program. This process has brought all of the life-saving medications to those living with HIV/AIDS toady. Has it been enough to save thousands of lives? No. Has it possibly laid the groundwork for preventing thousands of deaths? Yes. Larry Kramer made lemons out of lemonade. He made order out of personal chaos. Whether one likes him or not (and many do not), he is an inspiration.
So how do we find meaning in our lives? Through work, through love, by making order out of chaos. How do we begin this process? By taking a personal inventory. List the areas of weakness and strength in your life. Do less of what doesn't work, start doing more of what does. If you can't figure it out, ask for help. Few individuals succeed on their own, find out how you can best help yourself and commit to that process or those individuals. By focusing on these areas we can enhance our lives, equally important is the fact that in doing so we enhance the lives of others. The benefit to seeking personal happiness is that the rest of the world becomes a better place for others as well.

The Tenth Anniversary of the Death of a Love: An Examination of Grief
By Tony Zimbardi, PsyD

This month marks the 10th anniversary of the death of my former partner George: he died February 2nd, 1992; it’s been ten years of grief, loss and renewal. George’s death was my first experience at being caregiver, partner and survivor. I remember at the time, a friend saying to me that grief is not something that happens in your life and then you get over; that it was not like a cold, which you experience, get better from and then forget. Living with grief is more like living with HIV itself; it forever becomes a part of you. Personally, I’ve come to experience my grief as akin to becoming more at one with nature; my grief is like the sea; like the tides, it comes in and goes out, and sometimes, it washes over me unexpectedly, taking me completely by surprise, leaving my eyes filled with the same salty water as the ocean.

When I took my first and only HIV test in 1986 I went for my results during my half hour lunch. Afterwards, I looked down at my watch and saw that twenty of my thirty minute lunch had gone by already. I walked to my car, put my keys in the ignition and sat there a moment, silently a few tears rolled down my cheek. I quickly brushed them away and went back to work. That was the extent of my grieving, my life had been forever changed, and three or four tears were quickly brushed aside in the rush to get back to work before my thirty minutes were up.

Several years later I met George; our first six months were fairly normal, but bore a mysterious sense of urgency; six months later George was in a coma and a year later he was dead. The last four months of George’s life were spent in a hospice and every day I would go to visit him. But each day he’d tell me that I arrived too late, that I was leaving too early, and that everything I did while I was there was wrong. I quickly found myself wanting it all to be over, for him, for me, for both of us.

Two years after his death, I found great comfort when I took a class on grief & loss. I read an article called The Transformative Power of Grief (J. Schneider, 1989) where I learned that the "transformation" back to reality comes from first acknowledging the loss, then experiencing and expressing the pain of the loss, and then finally, getting beyond, not over the loss. I also learned that one of the most difficult and challenging grief processes to deal with is one where the relationship had been filled with ambivalence in life. This helped me feel a little more normal.

I found myself very depressed at the eight-month mark after his death and realized it was time for me to finally visit George’s grave, something up until then, I had been unable to do. So I went one Sunday after church, and then the next, and the next, and each week managed to shed a tear or two. And like the tears in my car back on the day that I received my test results, they came silently and were quickly brushed aside. I realize then that I had tried to "get beyond" his death and my grief prematurely; this is what triggered my depression. The house that we had lived in together was still was not mine, and I wasn’t ready to let go of George’s presence in it. Eventually, I found myself experiencing more healthy grief, several months later I decided to sleep on George’s side of the bed to try to feel close to what I loved most about him, I’m still sleeping in that spot ten years later.

That same year, a friend bought his first home with the aide of a loan from his parents. I told him he was "lucky," that he had a home because somebody really loved him; I had a home because somebody had died. He replied; "Tony, you have a home because somebody loved you too, and maybe that’s the only way he was able to show you." That statement changed my experience of my relationship with George permanently; and, it enabled me to enter one of the final stages of grief, putting together a composite picture of the lost relationship. I’m now lovingly able to look back on all the good as well as all the bad that from that time. Grief is still and always will be a part of my experience, but so is living. In fact, although a small part of me died along with George, a new part was born. Having had that experience at the age of 31, I left my childhood behind and began to embrace my adult self. And at 41, I still find comfort in the image of my grief being like the ocean, it’s tides still come in, and they still go out. The experience is less intense and more natural now. Finally, I’m thankful for having had the experience and for all of the knowledge I’ve gained as a result: because knowledge is power and that power continues to give me the strength to go on.

Our First Relationship with a Man: Father
Genre, June 2001, Vol. #93

By Anthony Zimbardi, PsyD

The month of June has become known for two somewhat-polarizing events for gay men: Gay Pride…and Father’s Day.  So for just this month, I’m taking a slight departure from the norm on the topic of “relationships” and writing about the first significant relationship each one of us ever had with a man, that guy otherwise known as “Dad.”  Most of us received our original messages of what a man ought to be from dad: masculine, a jock, strong and silent.  The irony is that many of us who felt that we could never live up to that image as children embody those traits today.  The part that we have a hard time letting go of is the part that dad didn’t want us to be: effeminate, musical, sensual and well, just plain…gay in every sense of the word.  Reconciling who we are, who we were and who we were raised to be can be a lifelong task for many gay men, and the answers to all of these lie in our relationship with our first male role model, Dad.

The irony of our desire for a healthy relationship with Dad is that he wants the same thing from us that we most desperately want from him; to be accepted for who he is. And this can come by accepting two facts; 1) You cannot start all over again as a child and, 2) You have to come to accept in your heart, that no matter how bad your childhood may have felt to you, your father was only doing the best that he could, given who he was at the time.  For those of us who experienced a father who was rage-full, abusive or who may have been an alcoholic, this can be a very tough task.  However, there is still a way to heal yourself.  And that is, to take the high road.  Whether or not we are spiritual, the Ten Commandments even from a secular perspective, are a pretty fair way to live: don’t lie, cheat, steal or kill and, maybe most difficult of all, honor your mother and your father.

So, the first thing is to remind yourself that you are not your father and you are capable of treating others with dignity and respect.  Send a note or a card for Father’s Day  (yes, it can be difficult finding a Hallmark card with just the right amount of neutrality and ambivalence), but it can be done. Perhaps in your entire lifetime your father gave you only one gift, and that was the gift of life.  What you do with your life is your gift to yourself, and as a by-product, one to him as well.  You may decide to throw your life away as a form of punishment to your father, or you may become the man you always wanted to be.  Whether we like it or not, who we become is both a testament to who our parents were as well as who we decided to be either as a result of who they were, or in spite of who they were.  The choice belongs to each one of us.  And whether or not the gift of your success is a gift to only yourself, or to your father as well, remember, he didn’t do the work for you.  You did the work yourself, and for that, during Gay Pride, hold your head up high because you are a man with a reason to be proud.